I had been depressed since the moment i viewed my IELTS results online. i was thinking that i did my best but i still failed. it seemed to me that everything i do the hardest does not pay me well enough. it looked like no matter what i do; no matter how i sincerely pray for it; no matter how i claim for it to be mine (which some people say i should do to set my mind that i can achieve it), it doesnt come my way as easy as it is for others. i end up repeating things all over again..and how i hate it!!!
I always say to myself that "God provides" for it has indeed proven me that God provides many times in my life. I lost my parents (my mom with ovarian cancer and my dad stayed in manila since her death. he didn't come home so often that i thought i lost him too. It is not that i have any bad feelings towards him for the truth is i love him so much but im just stating a fact..)at the age of three, but He gave loving and wonderful grandparents. He gave me people who supported me with my education as well as the material things that a teenager would want to have. I never felt deprived nor sad about being an orphan at all. everything i needed was spoon-fed to me. When I had to undergo a surgery that would cost my family a sum of money which was enough to buy a house and lot in a decent subdivision, though the fund didn't come easy, God never let me down. He has proven me Himself so many times that i hang on to these words always...
Yesterday, my IELTS coach texted me that i could still pay for the exam this coming July. Thank God, my aunt babes is paying it for me (thanks to my sister for sponsoring my IELTS part 3 and sorry for failing the reading part).
I am going to sit in the test again because it is the first base to start my career as a nurse in Australia. I am not getting any younger and i think that the longer i stay here the thinner my chance to be employed abroad it becomes. I contemplated too many times the reason why i should pursue my career as a nurse when i don't even like it to begin with. i find myself going back to the reality lane that this is all i know to do. this is all i am licensed to do. i went astray from this profession for quite some time already and it has long been due for me to do something about it. i don't want to depend forever, so i want to move my butt and make a step closer to my dream. Yes! i am making my Aussie future a dream and it is official! I will never let go of this no matter how difficult it may become. i would take some leeway or a rest if i should but never will i back off from this dream!!!
My aunt babes inspires me all the time and how i wish i can ever pay her back for all her goodness. i added another motivating words from her: "DONT BE ASHAMED;U HAVE A FLAT NOSE! FROM TTO WALTER" Tito walter is her late husband that happens to be my godfather too. he used to say this to her to encourage her. It applies to me too well because i have a flat nose, hihihi! (im just trying to humor myself out of depressing state )
Right now i am with her in Facebook and she is giving me some test-taking advice: "wear ka bala red panty,he,he" it means "u should wear a red panty". It is one of the many Filipino beliefs which means wearing something red will give you good luck especially when taking a test. I did not try this in my previous IELTS exam so maybe this July is going to be the time that i will try the red undergarment's power. I will lose nothing if i do that, haha!
Anyways, i and my aunt babes have just finished chatting and i already have forgotten what i was blabbering about earlier, i don't know what more i can vent out here. maybe this is it for now until another of my depression period attacks..
"tsuss!gute nacht!traüm schön!" ♥
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